An Open Letter to Kenyans: 12 Suggestions on Shit We Should Do or Not Do in 2014

Walubengo's Den



1. Phone etiquette. This means phone manners. If you call someone and they don’t pick up, don’t call again. They will call you back. If not, get the message. If you feel that they might have not seen your call, text them. If they don’t reply, please don’t text again asking why they haven’t replied. That is a cycle which leads to insanity and psychotic behaviour. Don’t use your phone while:

a. Driving (Can’t believe I have to say this)

b. On a date

c. In a meeting

d. In an interview

e. When you’ve just been introduced to some people who can take your life, career or business further.

2. Courtesy. Simple good manners will go a long way. Fucking saying please and thank you show you are civilised. Fucking not interrupting people when they are speaking shows that you are listening, not just waiting to talk. Giving…

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The Types of Ninjas you probably met at Thee Bar

Ok so the Holidays() or is it the merry making is/are almost over. Me, like most of you came out deterred, broke (more than that classicalchurch mouse), but with lots of lessons, resolutions and observations from the past two or so weeks. You see, the problem with working an 8-5 kind of job when you get that small break, it turns out to be a wild experience. The lower primary kid in you is brought out, yes; remember how excited you were on closing day? That’s how these bagas feel. Everyone lets it loose. And for some of us who do most of the observations and later judge, the best place to be was at the Tavern, any tavern.

I travelled across six counties with three pits stops along the way, mostly in RCs (ok beat it, what I mean is Bars). So as I checked in at every bar, I made very queer observations which apparently seemed universal, from that bar in Kitale, Eldoret to Kericho, and these guys had the same weird behaviour. So am going to list them down, in no chronological order, just as I observed. 

The Silent Drinker: This person just casually chills in the corner of the place. Takes in their surroundings but doesn’t say much of anything. Just sips their drinks and contemplates life. You might notice that they’ve ordered at least 3 drinks yet their demeanour hasn’t changed. Don’t question it.

The Instantly Drunk: Now this isa total opposite of No. 1. They’re proof that magic exists. You both arrived at the same time and haven’t finished your first drink…yet somehow, they’re totally wasted. You might not have known, but it’s pretty common knowledge that you aren’t REALLY drunk unless you tell everyone about it.

The Angry Drunk: So pissed. They’re mad at you, the bartender, the bouncer, and the stupid dude in the corner that is apparently STARING TOO MUCH. They try to pick fights, they talk mad shit to anyone that will listen, and they usually end up being kicked out by the end of the night. Can’t we all just get along?    

The Stumbler: This person (more often than not a girl in too tall high heels) stumbles into the place looking for a drink. They then stumble over every single person and/or inanimate object on their way to the bar. Can’t even walk. Just stumbling all over the place. Spilling drinks and stepping on toes and stuff. Can’t get it together. 

The Crier: Sorry ladies, but it’s usually one of your own. They’re just SO UPSET. But it might be difficult to figure out why. Nothing you do or say can console them and they’ll eventually end up in a corner crying to a stranger. Just let them. They’ll be okay tomorrow. And to one my male friends, you got to stop doing thisJ!

The Dancer: There’s not even music playing, but this person is vigorously shaking dat ass. You wonder what it must be like to have that sort of confidence. When music actually starts playing, watch out. They begin climbing over booths and tables to move to the music. Spilling people’s drinks as they try to dance with them…they just want to have a good time.

The Bros: Usually troop into the bar in groups of three or more, these bar inhabitants are a special type. They drink their beer in a corner surveying the options. They might approach their prey and attempt to say something witty. They might just make fun of each other, or they might drink too much and begin man hugging. Think “How I Met Your Mother”or “The Reunion”.

The Couple: You’ll see them once or twice at the beginning of the night and then they’ll disappear. You’ll see them later in a corner table heavily making out. Or you’ll see them later in a corner booth screaming at each other. One of them might be crying. Just avoid the situation.

The Girls Night Out: GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN…and don’t you forget it. They’ll drink heinous amounts of liquor and talk about boobs. Guys might try to approach them but it will be a wasted effort. They protect each other like a pack of wolves plus the ringleader is always the ugly one so you won’t have any chances bro.

The Just Happy: There’s no reasoning or talking with this one. They’re in a happy place and no one can bring them out of it. They might not be able to walk or find their shoes… but they’re having the best night EVER. You might try to talk them into slowing down on the alcohol but it probably won’t work. Have fun babysitting.

Which one are you?



Slaying Smaug the Corrupt: Police Vetting is a Waste of Time

Maybe someday we will feel the itch to reclaim Erebor; to finally do something more substantial than stage a public surgery to cure a cancer so far spread that it no longer feels like a terminal illness but a way of life.

Too late for Worms

Every evening at my local, a police vehicle drives in and parks near the gate. No one comes out of the car. Instead, a waitress, always the same one, walks to them and has a conversation that never lasts, in my estimation, more than three minutes. Since it is a joint in the same line with several others, it’s easy to see the police vehicle move from one to the other. The ritual is always the same.

When this conversation came up during a discussion on the ongoing police vetting, it hit me that we have allowed the police force to turn into our very own Sicilian Mafia. It runs its own parallel taxation system that we have learnt to live with as long as we are left with a little to fend for ourselves or get home. It has, in turn, made police officers who earn a paltry salary…

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