My Advice to Every College Ninja

I know of very many friends from undergrad who have gone back to school, others for postgrad diplomas and others for degrees. I have been under pressure from my folks to do the same and at last I have thrown in the towel, come Sept I will be a student again ninjas. This has brought lots of excitement reminiscent of undergraduate me. I know post graduate will be a whole different game, unlike the earlier, here I will have old men and women as classmates, lecturers will be my buddies, I will be setting my own timetable and re-scheduling it as much as I fucking want J For any Undergrad that sounds exciting but trust me this doesn’t thrill me at all. I want to relieve undergrad once more, to correct a couple of stuff I didn’t do. But if wishes were horses, baba would be the Chair of EAC.

So for those ninjas who are still in college, what are you doing right now? Lying in bed, kind of hangovered, watching Game of Thrones (heheh you know at some point I had to mention that), looking or worse fapping to Instagram photos of girls who aren’t interested in sleeping with you?

Yup. Sad. Let’s change that. Pull up Google and look up “animal rescue near Zetech (heheh that also had to come up somewhere somehow) or Kesses.” Then take a bong rip (because you were planning on doing that anyway), dandia a jav and pick out a puppy. Then bring it home.

I’m entirely serious. If I could redo college, there’s only one thing I would change. And it wouldn’t be partying more, drinking less or being in a relationship in my final year. It would be, the moment I left my freshman bedsitter, buying a three or four-month old dog.

I know what you’re thinking: A puppy is so much work. No, it’s not. You put it in a crate and it stays in the crate. Responsibility-wise, it’s the equivalent of owning a refrigerator, I know of bagas who used to own these stuff back in Campus. Yea, you occasionally have to go outside with it, but I know you go on a daily 5:20 blunt walk. Don’t act like you don’t. So take the dog along and your life has no longer been inconvenienced.

It’s going to shit and piss everywhere. So it’s no different than the friends you already have J. Take a whiff of your living room. What scents do you detect? Woody (burning incense), mainly, but also vomit and beer. You think some doggy poo is going to tip the scales? Make your place unlivable?

Won’t I have to train it? Buy treats and tell it to do things. Then use the Internet. Look, stop with the excuses about why you shouldn’t get a dog. You should. It will singlehandedly change your life.

Sunday morning, you woke up alone. I know you did. Because you couldn’t seal the deal, if you know what I mean ;). You were chatting with a girl and things were going well and you wanted to get out of there (with her), but didn’t know how to broach it. Well guess what? If you’ve listened to me, you will NEVER have that conversation ever again.

Let’s flash backwards to that Saturday. You’re having your conversation with a girl, and when you’re ready to ask her to go back home with you, you don’t even ask. You just say this: “Hey, I’m really sorry, but I have to go. I’ve got to let my puppy out.”

Watch her face drop. First off, you are the only man at this bar/party/your campus who owns a puppy (I looked it up). And women, ladies, bitches, whatever you want to call them, LOVE PUPPIES. Now there are only two more lines of dialogue before she leaves with you.

1. “OMG YOU HAVE A PUPPY.”
2. “Yea. You wanna come walk her*?”…;)

Congratulations. You never again need to awkwardly and uncomfortably invite a girl back to your place. You have gamed the system, both brilliantly and adorably.

* I forgot to mention this but the puppy needs to be female. I can’t explain this, but women are more attracted to girl dogs. And for some stupid reason, when a guy owns a female puppy, he immediately becomes more sensitive and caring. It’s like, look at you, you live with a girl. You must get them.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “My Advice to Every College Ninja

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s