My Letter to the #Njoki Cheges of This World

Vera Sidika came and left, I saw, got amused and unfortunately never aired my opinion. Then in an instance, #Masuku7s madness happened, and same shit happened, I was mum. #SabaSaba (the Rally and the Goal Tsunami) went down, I didn’t say shit. I mean several things have happened within a period of one month and all I have done is read/watch/hear and just shake my head…Ooh and before I forget, #Suarez also happened.

But on Tuesday, 10th of July in the Year of Our Lord, 2014 something BIG happened. Something horrendous, something atrocious, something appalling, something abysmal… Yes #Njoki Chege happened to us, to humanity to the universe.

I rarely comment on social media beefs or engage in tweefs and subarus on twitter, I love my lane, why? You may ask. You see I have a bloated ego and on the other hand I tend to think am gifted in among other things writing and lying through the nose. These two combined you have a ballooned personality, now imagine pricking that isht!…boom! You have a suicidal ninja on the loose.

Back to Njoki. For those unaware of what am talking about you can catch up with us here

She’s literally called 90% of Kenyan Men losers and riffraffs, that means all my friends and relatives (the very close ones) who have managed to buy ‘Cheap Toyota Premios and Subarus’ are [people who are not respectable : people who have very low social status]. I couldn’t just seat and watch my ego pricked from all angles, not even before I can afford a Tuk Tuk, no, not now. So, to balance the equation I have come up with three standards that the opposite sex has to meet before they even think of getting hitched to me and many of the hard working ninjas out there.

We all have set standards (ladies, you are very good at these), and it’s a good thing. There’s no reason to lower your expectations and you should never let anyone tell you otherwise. You have set standards for yourself to live by, and there is absolutely no reason to date anyone who can’t meet those same standards.

I have been a victim, and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been told to lower my own standards. The unfortunate part though? I can’t count the number of times that I’ve done exactly that. So ladies and gentlemen before I even think of going out on a date with a lady…

I expect her to be ambitious – I want to see ambitions that make me feel like a slacker.Something that seems to be lacking these days is real ambition. In the past year, I’ve been working harder than ever to reshape my own life. I’m working towards a goal of a new career, am trying my hand at different things, am literally working hard to rediscover my life. I’m reading and writing more than ever, and I don’t even care who’s reading this. Case in point, I can’t live with the feeling that I’m dating a girl who can’t keep up (fortunately she is). In fact, I’d rather feel like I’m the one who needs to shape up in order to meet her ambitions. And again thank heavens that is the case.

I expect her to look good – Oh, am I sexist? No, not really.You see, I expect only as much of everyone else as I expect of myself. I expect myself to be put together and looking presentable every time I leave the house. Maybe this is my inner professional talking, but I see real potential in people who take a little time to look good in the morning. I’m not talking about natural-born looks either. I’m talking about the kind of looks and class that require a little bit of effort to achieve every morning.

After all, I would never promote (yes when Ultimax finally employsJ) anyone who looked like she just rolled out of bed. You can have all the talent, skills or experience to do a job, but I wouldn’t put you in front of a client looking like you don’t care about your own well-being.

I expect her to be good with money – Not in a gold digger (read Njoki Chege) kind of way, though. This has absolutely nothing to do with how much a person makes. This has everything to do with what she does with that money. I can’t imagine dating anyone with a spending problem, simply because I was once there and came out of it. I expect no less from her. This applies to any sort of problem or bad habit, like smoking, drinking and cursing like a sailor, gossiping, going to bed with a Sing’eng’e ni Ng’ombe tee… (Gents, u r free to add). If I’ve been there myself and I’ve recovered, there’s no reason you can’t do the same.

This list could go on and on. I’ll stop there though because I wanted to pass a message. We men don’t look at dating from a pin-sized lens, we use binoculars, we see the future. We don’t look at the bank balances now; we look at the potential future bank balance with you in the picture. We don’t judge by the skin color, height or weight; those are just secondary, they never count when it’s time to ‘face the elders’. Yes I can hang out with you every Friday and Saturday, but will I ever put a ring on it?…. think hard about it!