I’m seated on the co-driver’s seat on a Toyota Wish station wagon heading to Nairobi, by the way this is the fastest means of transport lately to hit our roads. On a normal day I would doze off as soon as we hit the Salgaa stretch but we are now past Naivasha and sleep is not anything I can say is about to carry me. However the driver is about to, to carry me to hell.
You see there’s something about drivers being chauffeured, you will always find fault on your driver. Always. I am guilty of that but today it is different, this is not your average mad Kenyan driver. This a special breed of madness, a crack head on a suicide mission. I have literally been stepping on imaginary brakes every time…damnit!! We almost hit a dik dik!…yes every time an oncoming vehicle blinds us with full lights. Because just like many of us he has poor night vision, however the difference is that he continues stepping on the accelerator pedal, disregarding the several NTSA speed bumps erected ovyo ovyo.
However this ninja reminded me of the typical Kenyan road user, whether a driver or a passenger. We all have problems using the road or the means of transport, whether public or private. However I have beef with us, the public transport users. For those in the know, I have been on the road literally for the last 4 or so weekends, ok, not the long distance kind of road trips, just around and about Kenya.
And as I did these road trips, something got my attention, the scrambling for space in a PSV. Yes, am talking about the matatu woes we all have gone through some time in our lives. Especially when it’s about to rain. Unless of course you are a scion of the Mois and Jomos of this world. And Kericho, Eldoret, Kitale ninjas I know you won’t relate with this. Ooh and Buruburu route guys, I liked the way you guys are organized, the last time I saw people queuing patiently like that was during the 2013 General elections, only.
Remember when you know who said that ‘Kenyans have peculiar habits’ and we ‘caught’, actually he told us the truth as we know it, only that it was coming from him. We are an industrious people, that we all know, but we also have a downside. We hate, and I mean we are allergic to order. No, we don’t follow the set rules. Build a perimeter wall and we will find a way of climbing over it, build a foot bridge and we will definitely cross the road right on bottom of it, tell us not to go near a crime scene and boom we create a scene. Yes that’s us, and I guess we will pass these genes to the next generation.
However am tired of people who make traveling a headache, some of us LOVE traveling, I mean that and reading are the only hobbies I have remaining since they messed up the management of local rugby.
Yes and topping the list and probably the worst are the ones who get on the bus/matatu before you can get off. Seriously, It’s only polite, plus we’re getting off to give you more room. So by blocking our way, you’re only making your life more difficult. Remind me to elbow you in the stomach the next time I’m trying to get off the bus.
Then there are those who don’t move when an empty seat opens next to them, am not the one overfed you son! Just move over. It’s not a difficult concept. Oh or maybe you want my butt in your face? Be prepared to get a fresh crop dusting. And these are usually related with the ones who place items on empty seats. I get it, we all have baggage (literally). However if that seat next to you has your bag seated on it, instead of a person, you my friend is an enemy of progress.
Thirdly, the people who have insanely loud conversations on the bus. We’ve all been guilty of talking on the phone while on transit, however I’m talking about the people that positively yell. We don’t need to know about your mboch or mother-in-law issues. Please just let me read my book.
Then of course I can’t forget those ninjas who push their way into an already crowded bus. Don’t you think if there was empty space we would be occupying it by now? Isn’t that a rule of physics? And the worst part about them is that they will come in, push past everyone to get to the back of the bus, and then push back past everyone when they get off at the last stop.
Finally we have the Super PDA couples. This happens most often on the late night or early morning drunk bus. Ok, we get it , you guys are madly in love and high as kites or maybe you just met and no one was willing to go back to their bedsitter alone (Its Nairobi and its super cold) but we don’t need to see you groping each other. Do what you want in your own time but I don’t need to see your hand shoved down your significant others pants.
Side bar: major props to the girls (or guys, I don’t discriminate) who do their makeup on the bus. How do you do it?? No mirror, bumps and potholes all over the place? And you still get off the train looking fresh as an Irish daisy?
Second side bar: Major props to my boy #Maneezy aka #ArapKale can’t get enough of his debut track #Eleiyo, if you are a music lover you will definitely love this brilliant piece of work. If you are wondering what am talking about here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhO6ze9d6Vc